I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
