I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
