Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
