omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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