No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
So. Much. Porn.
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