Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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