Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
