And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
