You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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