break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
