eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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