Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
