the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
how drunk are you?
Several
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize