God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
