for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
