I'm laying in your front yard are you home
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
