You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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