why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Is it because I queefed?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
