So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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