6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize