Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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