I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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