Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
