some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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