I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
