You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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