I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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