She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
