im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
