george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
