Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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