I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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