just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
