great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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