i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm both gender and math confused
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize