I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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