i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I am one with the molecules
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
