We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
