Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
