It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
