This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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