John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The air taste purple.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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