the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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