he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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