Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You've changed since you got that strap on
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
