The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize