Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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