Already got asked if we're dating
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
