my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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