There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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