god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
