Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize