One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
