my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
