You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
this hospital has no fireball
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
