How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
