Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
