u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
